When I am Feeling Nothing and You Make Me Becoming

By: Rizka Syafaatul Udzma

Once, I was a cheerful, a high spirit person, uneasily despair, and I did everything well which I work from zero point so others gained the benefits, I like looking for a new relation or a new friend either from Sabang or Marauke. I was a friendly with a people who I just met, loving to learn from peoples who have higher knowledge and experience than me. I am a girl who liked to socialize with the community and whoever around me.

Suddenly the unattainable dreams made changed my days, lied down so weak and had no passion. Then I murmured to myself, have you ever felt that your days were like rocks that were forged and entered deep into the ground? Felt the world is not enjoyable anymore despite the glamorous look, like living among the trees that are green in the forest and suddenly burned; died helplessly like in the hell. The heart said that the trees will not live in the forest again. The days are so gloomy; no activity is capable, just like the dark fog which has enveloped the road until it is difficult to do. In medical condition, it is called depression? I feel it. Even the chocolates that I like already taste bad, I stop doing all my hobbies and activities, I just sit down in the room, confine myself and do not want to go anywhere, do not want to meet with anyone, I ask from the corner of my room, is my life end? I also asked myself "Hey you where was your previous smile, where was your old spirit, I think you are not like this in the past time" said my heart. Then I looked at the night sky and asked “if black is always wrong? Is white always right?” I felt that I had lost all my dreams, my family, my lectures, my friends, as the illusion that haunted me. No, I speak against myself, against my thought. My heart churned when I was in my subconscious, I began to look behind the window in the morning and said "don't you want to live like trees that grow grown and beneficial to the surrounding which presents oxygen and coldness when the temperature is hot?, don't you want to live like a bird, every day it is so busy looking for food? Or like the blooming and beautiful flowers scattering the fragrances? ", so I steeled myself. When I feel slumped I often cry in My mom's lap and say "Mom, are you not tired of taking care of me like this?,” Mom said "no I am not tired of taking care of you like this, until you really back as like what you are previously, the spirit grabbed all your dreams, don’t mom and dad always support you?, she said softly. Then, I answered "Yeah Mom and dad always support me, give whatever I want, but this time, I failed to achieve all that dreams mom?, along my tears flow down on her clothes. Then mom said "no my daughter, for me you never fail, this is just delayed daughter, this is a test from Allah, mom sure Allah will change with something better one day" while calming my heart. I also replied "mom whether Allah dear me mom? Why does Allah give us a trial like this? Suddenly, Daddy said "Allah is strengthening you daughter, if you are patient with what He has taken from you, He will elevate your degree, believe me that" while his eyes filled with tears. Then I was unconscious, lying weak in the arms of mom and daddy. Both of them took me by ambulance to the hospital, in the ambulance, there were only mom and my aunt, Ati. Then, I felt mom's hand holding my hand tightly and stroked my hair reach inside my weakness. I heard "My daughter is strong, mom here" while crying. At that time I did not understand what my future would be like, but I knew Allah was with me until I was able to stand up straight against all my pains, against all my weaknesses, all those are my preparations, Allah.

A few days later the doctor allowed me to go home. When I arrived at home, my body still felt so weak, and could not afford to move more, until the bed felt bad. Mom, daddy, my siblings were always accompany me to sleep, guarding my diet, always trying to make me smile but I was so still drifting in unfulfilled dreams, and often I fought my unconscious against this weakened self by remembering the message of mom and daddy "read Al- Qur'an and pray solemnly ". Then, I answered "Well mom and daddy" and often the tears ran down my cheeks when I read the verses as well as during pray. But I was still desperate, and often sat up in the room, until my mom often felt sad to see me like that, there was no power to live, she took me to be treated by a person who she believed could cure my condition at that time, even my daddy accompanied me to the treatment while at the time he should go to his office for working, while in the hospital, I often said to my parents "Mom, dad, no doctors can cure me, no worshipers can cure me except…?” Then my mom said “what is it, my child? I answered "except myself". “Then when will you treat yourself?” asked my mom. I said “The time will come when I and Allah will show it.”

Day after day, I kept trying to fight my heart flush and I often said "mom, I just want to live with mom and dad at home so I stay here". Then mom replied "Yeah if all of your dreams have come true". Then, I asked again "mom, do my lecturers often ask about my condition? Are my friends looking for me?” while looking at the mom with pity. My mom answered "Your lecturers love you very much; your friends miss you so much”. I kept silent. At that time I said again "Allah, can I finish my assignment at the end? Can I do the work of embracing all the hopes and ambitions?” Allah whispered in my heart "O my slave I can afford, I make you like this because I love you, I will lift your degrees if you are patient to receive my destiny", Allah whispered to me. I went back to study Allah's creations from the vine and asking behind the window "why my daddy still letting the grapefruit be planted? Why did not he just throw it off?” My heart asked. Behind my room I always looked at the stem grapes, and I still asked “why the stem holds?” day after day, I looked back at the stem, it grew very beautiful with young leaves, until the month after month, it began to have fruits. Even the trees planted around my house and grew up and I said "isn’t it, the higher the tree, the stronger the wind?" Ah... I thought that this was the best wish that Allah gave you, it was not more beautiful than your wishes? Was it better to know everything? He was the best planner, was not He? Waited for the miracle that you would receive after so long as you had fallen like this, there was a tremendous happiness that you would feel in the end. Therefore, I calmed down. Sometimes my brother, Andre, who I had never seen him crying, he finally cried over her sibling who was so weak to survive. Sometimes, André, who was smaller than me, advised me, calming my heart and mind. It was the first time, Andre was so soft to me.

Day by day, my mom’s family, aunts, old friends, and my classmates came to cheer in the middle of my weakness. Sometimes I was jealous to see those who enjoyed so much life and I said "Hi... The soul, don’t you want to be like them, ah... just throw your fears, throw away your disbelief, just wipe your sadness, enough you torture your mind with your thoughts which is not, Allah will replace instead of your dreams that will not be tomorrow, in a few months, or a few years later? ", trying to feel positive. That's how I fought the day, then my heart said "the pearl is not easy to achieve?", You should dive deep into the ocean, dare against the waves and prepare for the sudden winds that might come, The oceans that would have threatened, whales might have come to kill, “Oh… soul you couldn’t afford it?” I asked softly. I continued to fight against my consciousness by thinking and feeling positive because I believed that a good energy would only come when myself made it happen. Every day, I went through that I ventured to send messages to those whom I loved especially my lecturers. It was very calm down when I received a message from my survivor who said "face it, everything will be fine" as my eyes glazed. After a while I was in my saddle, I did not think until tens or even hundreds of messages came from each of my social media, asked my situation, asked my condition at that time that they were enough to miss me.

I also tried to get out of my hard time by facing myself with mingling with my close friends, by meeting my lecturers, finishing all my duties, enjoying the day with patience, sincerity and gratitude in every circumstance. Walking wherever I want, to meet anyone I want, until one day I found a doctoral told me "if you are hit, laugh" until the inspirational figure of my life also said "if you stumble then you will be formed", in addition, I started to socialize with the community through the youth organizations. I've been following for a long time for smiling back, sharing my knowledge and experience.

Gradually, I began to return, to learn, and to restore my weakness by following the youth competitions, until I came too often to fall and feel as usually when I got it. But I never stop trying, because I believe that Allah help is very close, until I arrived when I became 1st winner in a prestigious national competition in the famous universities in Indonesia. Then, I kept trying to restore all the desires and ideals that "yeah work hard for the people around me". There, I was fully aware that Allah had shown his miracles, replacing what He had taken from me. Today, He often tested me with small tests but I began to love the test and felt that black was not wrong, with the test, I felt that Allah really loves me, I felt close to him flowing into my blood, my mind and soul.

Time after time, I keep growing myself, restoring confidence and others, writing all those dreams before, not afraid to fall again, not afraid of all the pressure or obstacles, not afraid of all scorn, not afraid of a heap of men who wants to proclaim, and prove to the world that the dead tree will regenerate, the wilted flower is now back with fully blooming, the misty sky is now only a dew which finally makes its way around clear visible, the pearl is no longer difficult to grab, the birds start busily with their activities, fly wherever they like. Likewise with myself, in the end I am proud that I am able to pass through my dark days, because I know many people out there who have the similar experience with me, and I must rise to raise them as well and I stand for it today, it is not difficult to smile, laugh and enjoy the beauty of the world. Everything will be better by doing better, everything will be beautiful by the beauty that we make, have the soul, believe in yourself, you are able to face all the trials and difficulties that may be you are currently experiencing. Allah has determined the measure but does not mean that we rely on him. Finally, I find myself doing more great, finding my lost soul somewhere, finding life sometimes cruel but having to keep going, finding myself struggling so hard, finding the meaning that you make me into meaning you are Allah, you are myself, you are my parents, you are my family, you are my friends, you are the people who have supported and inspired me, and that is why I am able to write back all my desires and dreams through a short story, through various competitions included in the Asian English Olympic and I just want to tell the world that in every night there is morning, every dawn there is dawn, every flower of wilted will bloom again, every disease there is a treatment, every tears there is laughter, every tired will be paid so that, all that will make you said ‘’Wow’’ in the end. That’s way, keep moving forward even a cubit, because often the victory comes at the time when we really want to give up.